The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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