I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
