I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I still have a little drunk in my system
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
