I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dear god my vagina.
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