Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i was born a porn star she said
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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