Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
