You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
