im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I need water and some morals
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
