Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Randomize
