I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
