I can't watch pbs sober anymore
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
