so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
