shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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