I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
