he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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