You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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