I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
