Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
