Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
