are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
