I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
