My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my being single is dangerous.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
