The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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