i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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