***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
