...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
