She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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