I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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