I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
