I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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