New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
