I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
