How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My liver just broke up with me...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
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If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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