Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
