Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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