If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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