No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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