it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
