john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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