well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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