Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
