You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
