You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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