mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
