your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
