Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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