Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize