hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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