hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
