She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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