I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
