Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
