I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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