Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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