I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The air was thick with penises
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
