I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Alive.
So much puke
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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