someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
