Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
