i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
